Dude Etiquette Part. 2…

So after a few more weeks I’ve gathered enough fodder for another entry into the dude etiquette series! You’re all squirming in anticipation I can tell. I’m legitimately excited myself, weird right?

So we all have those moments where you’re scratching your head wondering, “Why exactly did that just happen?” or “Did I just see that?” This is literally the story of my life living with a whole group of dudes I’ve never met before. We all certainly have our moments, ladies included!

On with helping all the dudes out there, kick some very ehh… interesting habits by exploding them through explicit definition and example. That’s correct, I’m getting so smart its ridiculous, so many big words spilling out my mouth…

▪   “Forgetting” to flush the toilet. Now chicks out there pull this crap too, but dudes are a whole other story. I’m going to start by saying this is so simple to remedy, so is the problem laziness? Like what’s up bro? You want everyone to see what happened when you exited for an hour? No. People legitimately have no interest in seeing that crap, literally. Huge favor = flush the toilet, it’s a sign of respect!

▪   Alerting someone to the fact that their fly is down. This is human kindness at its simplest. People don’t want their personals flashing all around town, they aren’t hookers! Tell him/ her, even though this tends to be a more common occurrence with males. No, he’s not gonna wonder why you were glancing at his crotch, his ultimate gratitude will be much more apparent. Just be nice, and help ’em out.

▪   Wash your shavings down the drain. If you are like any other dude in the whole world, you’ve got a lot of hair to contend with on an almost daily basis. So this means shaving… but I don’t want to see your clippings. Do us all a favor, and wash them down the drain, don’t let it all sit on the edge of the sink, because that’s just nast plain and simple. Do me a favor, and remember you’re nothing in this world if you’re not respectful.

▪   Try to relieve yourself in private. It’s just the classy thing to do, since I’d prefer if you didn’t get arrested. The po po is looking to slap some indecent exposure charges on those who have had a little too much fun, and are lacking in the patience department. Do us all a favor, and avoid making a puddle on the sidewalk.

So that’s all I’ve got for you today. My creativity is lacking but the blunt tone is back kids, and it was spewing today. Enjoy! Keep bringing it back, because I’ve always got more for you… 😉

Dude Etiquette…..

If you just had a spasm of hysterical laughing at the headline, you ain’t read nothing yet… (I promise)

First off, I don’t make promises I don’t keep, hence not too many get made! That’s correct I do screw the system at every chance I get! If “The Man” tries to keep me down, you best believe it won’t be happenin’! I’m slippery ( 😉 )!

I hope you’re digging this intensely flirtatious and dirty mood I’m in. It’s all for you (or maybe for you in the back)…. Oh it doesn’t matter who, just as long as I’ve got your engine revving…. we are going to have FUN today :-P….

Now students…. (I really sounded like a teacher there didn’t I?) today’s lesson is of the utmost importance if you intend to succeed in life! Examples:

• catch a chick
• create envy
• turn heads
• do “nasty” things
• appear well put together

As men, we spend much of our time focused on… things (you know what I’m referring to) the female population may not really think about. Hence the large amounts of dirty clothing, nasty dishes, lack of personal hygiene, possible ADD, etc. that weighs down the life of a typical male. Therefore, sometimes we’ve got to have each other’s back…. (dude etiquette).

To begin, I’m not talking Bro Code right now. Just wanted to put that out there for any that are falling behind. My mind works much faster than my fingers…. hahahaha ok…. ignore that. Dude etiquette does not equal Bro Code. Dude etiquette is in one word: necessary. I’m not being critical or anything (lie #1). I just want dudes to refrain from doing a few things. You may ask, “Why do I have to change what I do?” Read the list below and you might regret asking that moronic question:

• Talking about the bathroom or what happens in there. I admit I’ve been a part of many conversations about the bathroom, but others don’t necessarily find your bowel movements entertaining like I. Advice = Stop referring to the dump you just took, wish you had taken, or will take. People will begin to worry that you have intestinal issues, and associate you with what floats in the bowl. (Insert your name) = crap. You don’t want that.

• Leaving items lying around. Certain materials need to be put away or thrown away. Whether that is a used (fill in the blank), empty bottles, or even dirty underwear. Women unfortunately don’t have the same indifference men have to these objects. Pick up before she comes over! Seems easy enough… (safe assumption)

• Spraying cologne to cover up your lack of freshness. We all know why you’re doing it…. opt for some deodorant instead. The cologne overload just masks what’s happening underneath your pits, fyi. The situation will come to light sooner rather than later…. guaranteed.

• Eating like a death row inmate. Smashing a large pizza in 0.49 seconds seems like an accomplishment, but it’s not (unless of course your a eating contest champ). Leftovers (the crap crusted all around your mouth) are a huge turn-off. Picture a chick with leftovers on her lips (nasty)… You don’t want those lips near any part of you! Guess what?? She feels the same way… Lowering your mouth to the plate and shoving food into it, is also not advised. First, you aren’t a bulldozer! Second, the women near you will probably send a sneer your way, and then never look at you the same again. Association: (Insert your name) = disgusting pig

You feel incredibly dumb for asking that question now, don’t you?? Dude etiquette is important, right? To the women that read this blog I can hear your heads nodding….(I did mean that). Now seems the appropriate time for an AMEN… so go ahead and get it outta your system… (pause).