Dude Etiquette…..

If you just had a spasm of hysterical laughing at the headline, you ain’t read nothing yet… (I promise)

First off, I don’t make promises I don’t keep, hence not too many get made! That’s correct I do screw the system at every chance I get! If “The Man” tries to keep me down, you best believe it won’t be happenin’! I’m slippery ( 😉 )!

I hope you’re digging this intensely flirtatious and dirty mood I’m in. It’s all for you (or maybe for you in the back)…. Oh it doesn’t matter who, just as long as I’ve got your engine revving…. we are going to have FUN today :-P….

Now students…. (I really sounded like a teacher there didn’t I?) today’s lesson is of the utmost importance if you intend to succeed in life! Examples:

• catch a chick
• create envy
• turn heads
• do “nasty” things
• appear well put together

As men, we spend much of our time focused on… things (you know what I’m referring to) the female population may not really think about. Hence the large amounts of dirty clothing, nasty dishes, lack of personal hygiene, possible ADD, etc. that weighs down the life of a typical male. Therefore, sometimes we’ve got to have each other’s back…. (dude etiquette).

To begin, I’m not talking Bro Code right now. Just wanted to put that out there for any that are falling behind. My mind works much faster than my fingers…. hahahaha ok…. ignore that. Dude etiquette does not equal Bro Code. Dude etiquette is in one word: necessary. I’m not being critical or anything (lie #1). I just want dudes to refrain from doing a few things. You may ask, “Why do I have to change what I do?” Read the list below and you might regret asking that moronic question:

• Talking about the bathroom or what happens in there. I admit I’ve been a part of many conversations about the bathroom, but others don’t necessarily find your bowel movements entertaining like I. Advice = Stop referring to the dump you just took, wish you had taken, or will take. People will begin to worry that you have intestinal issues, and associate you with what floats in the bowl. (Insert your name) = crap. You don’t want that.

• Leaving items lying around. Certain materials need to be put away or thrown away. Whether that is a used (fill in the blank), empty bottles, or even dirty underwear. Women unfortunately don’t have the same indifference men have to these objects. Pick up before she comes over! Seems easy enough… (safe assumption)

• Spraying cologne to cover up your lack of freshness. We all know why you’re doing it…. opt for some deodorant instead. The cologne overload just masks what’s happening underneath your pits, fyi. The situation will come to light sooner rather than later…. guaranteed.

• Eating like a death row inmate. Smashing a large pizza in 0.49 seconds seems like an accomplishment, but it’s not (unless of course your a eating contest champ). Leftovers (the crap crusted all around your mouth) are a huge turn-off. Picture a chick with leftovers on her lips (nasty)… You don’t want those lips near any part of you! Guess what?? She feels the same way… Lowering your mouth to the plate and shoving food into it, is also not advised. First, you aren’t a bulldozer! Second, the women near you will probably send a sneer your way, and then never look at you the same again. Association: (Insert your name) = disgusting pig

You feel incredibly dumb for asking that question now, don’t you?? Dude etiquette is important, right? To the women that read this blog I can hear your heads nodding….(I did mean that). Now seems the appropriate time for an AMEN… so go ahead and get it outta your system… (pause).